So true isnt it? Every man wants this I know I do. I read a book once by "John Eldredge" that put all this into perspective for me. As time goes on I am learning more and more what all this truly means. You see a stale life where you protect yourself from danger is no life at all. Unfortunately this is the life which most men live. Henry David Thoreau is quoted in the 1800's saying "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them". I sit here laughing as I read that because I see how true this is amongst groups of people. The bottom line is life hurts and to experience the good things, the bad is there to balance while teaching you. As a little kid I was into all the knight in shining armor stuff. I truly thought I belonged on the biggest horse, swinging the biggest sword with the biggest shield. I wanted to do this all in the name of righteousness. From morning till night from about 5 years old till about 8 maybe even after that I did battle. I was all over the woods with the kids from my neighborhood, pretending to spot the enemy always victorious in the end. We used such an imagination that it almost became real to us. Those were such the days when I look back I keep these memories among my treasures. This side of me still exists just in a more adult form in which, if the time came I would fight for a cause. A cause much more worthy to fight for than the ones seen today throughout the world. A cause that would put a stamp on global conflicts and make peace on earth.
Every man too wants to go on an adventure. I have gone on many throughout my life. The craziest ones are the ones where I have came close to dying. I think more so taken this biggest risk, I love my adrenaline pumping. I remember when I surfed religiously around 16 years old. During hurricane season I was off the coast of the Jersey Shore in rough 6-8 foot seas pulling into these sets like wow! The power and thrust of this wave was so much to feel and handle. I was always in amazement rushing into the water paddling out to catch the best waves and ride them to shore. My hobbies the last couple years are the gym and Mixed Martial Arts. In the summer of 2012 when I was dead set that I was going to law school I had quite an experience. I flew to California with my dad to look at "Thomas Jefferson School of Law" in San Diego California. First time ever on the west coast I had a blast. After touring the school and being impressed, my dad and I got a cab heading for "The Arena". I wanted to train with guys from California to test myself while I was out there as well. I stopped into this gym called "The Arena" I was welcomed with open arms as class started. As a class we drill alot of ground attacks and submission grappling techniques. When it was time to "roll" or live spar, some may say wrestle even. I slapped hands and went at it with this big dude about 250lbs. I immediately caught him in an armbar, but couldn't finish it. He had good defense, but I just kept cranking. The bell rung and it was the end of the match. The coach "Pat Spite" former Professional Mixed Martial Artist and well respected grappling competitor says you know what you did wrong right? I say not really what? He replied you pulled too hard in the nook on his arm go higher. I laughed at myself simply overlooking that aspect. It ended that I matched up very well with these guys. Although I no longer care to become a lawyer I still would love to do my graduate degree in California.These are the experiences that assure me that I belong right in the heat of action. Slaying the biggest beasts, fighting against the biggest strongest men. I am sure most men at least want to feel this way. For those of us that are confident in it however it is such an experience. So my adventure was learning what aspects of my ground game I overlooked. Then I also found out that I am just as good as guys who train at a top MMA school. It was such a rich time for me, and I am so happy to have spent it with my dad. California was great the food, the people, the entertainment its is quite an adventure.
So for the beauty, this is the tough part. As Eldredge says "Most men don't know what to do with this longing". I know for myself I know what I want to do with it. I want to find the beauty rescue her and live happily ever after, just like the fairytale. I have experienced love one time in my younger years. I will tell you what the feeling of being in love will make you want to climb Mount Everest. What a woman can do to a man, when he is in love is crazy. The man will disregard everything facts, you name it when he is in love. My experience of this truly crept up on me when I was younger. I just remember how much of a sweet time I had with this young lady. She was fun, happy, full of life, and I was crazy about her. It happened so suddenly and took its course from there. Saddened by the way things ended, I would hate to point fingers because I know we are both great people. The two of us had it made when we were together. I had never felt on fire for a girl like I did this young lady. I remember when I would see her in the hallways at school and she would smile at me at a distance ,and I couldn't help but to smile back in such happiness. This girl always put a smile on my face. How it fell apart is devastating to me I often ponder this. I blame myself in some ways, in other ways I just feel compromised. How could such a beautiful thing fall apart like that. Showing my vulnerabilities as a young man seemed like the hardest thing to do. Opening up to a woman showing her where your scared, fears you can hear it. Such a hard thing for a man to do, but necessary for a healthy bond with someone. I haven't experienced the feeling that I felt with this young lady since. So much was left unsaid, and unspoken about. So much chaos, confusion and misunderstanding. What do I do with this longing? Tucking it deep never works, but will suppress the issue. I feel like it will always return to visit me in different ways. Letting go entirely is the hardest because I think and think the what if? Although a difficult place to be I am happy and ok to be there. I know at the time I truly threw my best at it. I truly did, I just wish I had been as wise as I am now. I could have made such a difference in positive ways. The saying goes but, "everything happens for a reason" what ever that means.I wish there was a different outcome, I wish things worked out differently. Though I guess everyone has their white buffalo. Possibly feeling some aches for some years to come, I know the future is bright with opportunities to come!
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